Dear Guiletta,

I think i am still in love with that last person who broke my heart,the one which he helped put back to whole. Its been too long, 3 years too long. But it feels like i just cant helped it.

Yes, i accepted that i am never going to be with him again but it gets a little challenging when comparisons get ahead of myself. I keep looking for him in every guy that i see. I knew there was someone was very much sincere in wanting to know me. And i didn't even gave him a chance to see what he was truly worth. Not until it was a little too late.

The thing is I like who i was when i am with Dylan. The relationship was easy - on pure trust, love and hopes. No malice, no games. Very straightforward. When i fell in love with him along the way in the relationship, i knew that this is the one man i want to be spending the rest of my life. But unwanted circumstances came, and we had 2 very different future laid in front us. It doesn't matter how destructive we became after that but our path was laid in front of us ~ differently. We had no choice but to move forward and away.

I was a wreck and self destructive; tho not physically, when i came back home. I went in search of the antidote to lessen the pain in all of the wrong places. Hurting so many people and causing myself more unnecessary pain. So one day, i just stopped. I didn't decide that i wanted to. I just stopped, telling myself that i was contented with the loneliness. That i leave it all to fate; come what may.

Chuck said in one episode, 'We're holding on to the pain because it's all we have left.' Sometimes, i feel that that's the only thing i have got left. Not being able to get what all of my friends have achieved. Envying is all i could do. I am not as strong as i look. I never was. I just try to be and put on the mask. I couldn't think of anything better than that.